End of week2 - Regroup!

OK hobbies have to take a back seat except for urgent things and filling in breaks from work.
On top of concentration, I need a intermediate goal that would keep my consistency. So for now, eyes on pushing out paper #1. Also need to think harder! Wasted a whole week not doing data analysis like I should b/c I got side tracked and didn't push myself hard enough on that

day 9 - FAIL

Haven't been able to concentrate since Monday!
Did some drawing, reading, socializing.. however failure to focus is inexcusable (maybe for a day of physical ailment) and horrid! Three days in a row is destructive and I gotta meet boss tomorrow!!!

Day 7 - discontinuous super hightened weirdness

This past weekend I didn't do any reading or thinking I was planning to do - as usual, but I actually got out more and had a good time, so it wasn't a complete waste of time. And I actually started on my long list of hobbies. At least I'm not completely wasting my time when I couldn't concentrate on work!
Reading O.Henry stories also helped me realise that it's more probable that my concentration had slipped all together in recent years due to lack of pressure since college, rather than that I couldn't concentrate specifically on papers and textbooks. Whew!
Today I had too much coffee, so I had small epochs of great concentration but there was no continuity in my work b/c I was jittery and freaking out. Read about nonlinear dynamics which was great and kept reading about APIs (for hobbies). Not a great day, I'd give it a 60 :/
Anyway, as the new week begins, main things to do this week is reading and thinking.
0) Papers!!
1) threads for the first paper/ already proposed protocols
2) keep thinking about NIH
3) Concentrate Concentrate and Concentrate!! It's still my #1 priority and the weakest, most dire thing waiting to improve

Day 6 - okay turned sudden sad spiral

Day started great, I was perky and thinking what a glorious new day it was, blah blah, concentration was okay, still need to work on understanding others and being alert, but at least my mind wasn't in lala land. Boss mostly took over the meeting, but at least I wasn't getting overrun by my rival (*sigh, too much Meerkat Manor...., why isn't meerkat recognized as a word?!). Made a list of hobbies to do, which would be good in helping me feel productive even if I don't focus on work 100%. Then I fell into deep depression after I went home. Took some of my sadness out on drawing.
Score:
1) concentration: 75
2) hobbies: getting started!
3) Social: 80
Tomorrow:
A whole freaking weekend of thinking and reading ahead. Not really looking forward to it, but Lord knows I need to get moving, though I need the ocean right now

Day 5 - also good!

A small but solid success! Concentration slipped at home, but I'd say it's worth it. Strolling home in the lingering orange sun of a midsummer's evening is every bit as sweet.
Perhaps the best success today is being able to speak calmly and assertively (more than usual anyway). I think my boss may have noticed it too. I also spoke more carefully, in a more organized manner, asserting a project leader role in an email I sent out to the group. I could feel my confidence building up, and I do realize, it's only a matter of my own will whether I take a leading role. It's somewhat sad that I have to learn this social behavior from meerkats.. but oh well, it's better than nothing. I finally realized I couldn't survive with my lone ranger style, I either had to lead or to follow. Between my only two options, I lead. I don't follow.
I did everything I set out to do, except for that paper that would bleach into tomorrow. But still, efficiency was not too bad.
Concentration: 75
Social: 91 (just an extra point more from yesterday for being calm and assertive, a completely different kind of progress in social behavior)!
Tomorrow:
1)Read the paper before meeting
2)tidy up protocol and practice presenting it as a project leader
3)work on NIH proposal some more. Boss actually liked Aim 1 ! Hooray!

Day 4 - Good

A small Success! I actually finished what I aimed to do today without repeats!
Granted, it's not cognitive-heavy and my efficiency wasn't all that great, but still, success! And I have a couple of hours before bed to work on the proposal!
Tomorrow:
1) Look over the stuff that's to be shown to the boss again
2) Type up something about the proposal aims loosely so I can at least talk to my boss about it
-----meet boss
3) Resume the 3 paper/week thing!
4) Write email to boss for the meeting summary/what to do next week. So far he's been writing them I feel ashamed about it!

Although I missed the "meet the potential grad student" thing, I did take some steps and volunteered for the Student Advisory Board. Great lunch, great conversation. Didn't feel crabby or isolated at all! And I tried suppressing the bitterness towards certain people, which was working great because I was genuinely NOT bitter! I was happy and had productive entertainment rather than wasting my time web surfing.

I'll start marking some productive gadget building sites as my default "go to entertainment surfing sites", instead of the usual boring news sites over and over, most of which i actually blocked anyway.. So I'll start giving quantitative scores at the end of the day. Today
Goal 1) concentration: 70 out of 100
2) hobbies: n/a
3) social behavior: 90/100

Day 3

Somewhat unproductive. Struggling to come up with some more specific driving questions to tie the proposal together. I guess I'll give it a chill and talk to my boss about it Thusrday. Meanwhile realized I haven't gotten Methods or experimental protocol design done at all. That said, tomorrow, full throttle on those 2 things coz i have to show my boss on thursday.
1) Methods
2) Experiment protocol design. Overalls of doing things: baseline sweep etc and the specifics of parameter range

Day 2

It's been a horrible day for me. Fever wouldn't go away, got overwhelmed, mostly confused by the NIH proposal instructions, felt increasingly isolated, then late afternoon my usual post breakup syndrome hit me and i had to run home, only to find that my ex took his stuff out of my house, while i wasn't home... Well at least I made a little progress on the draft. A recent deadline is Thursday, when I go meet my boss, I need to show him my draft. So for tomorrow, pretty much the same goals as today
1) draft proposal
2) that 3 papers
3) methods
but perhaps the most difficult thing I need to learn right now is not to get rushed by my emotions again, learn to be patient and think about what I really want. I broke up with him 3 times before and each time i talked to him first and then he talked me out of it; but when he took no time to break up with me, I feel I have absolutely no control over it. I know I need to learn to be patient, it's actually one of the big goals coming up next, but looks like it's hitting me early!
so 4) be patient and clear my head!

Day 1

OK, didn't concentrate all that well, totally watched too much TV. Didn't read that paper, but started drafting the proposal. Took a walk but totally avoided eye contact with a cop who was fixing his car. I wanted to waive - perhaps I would've if he wasn't a cop. Still I'd like to encourage myself and say this is a good start. Unwittingly brushed my teeth before finishing that epic fail i call chicken noodle soup, but still got a couple more hours to draft the proposal.
Here's a little entertainment for the day
http://shirt.woot.com/derby/entry.aspx?id=41802
Tomorrow, I'm going to
1) continue drafting and
2) freaking finish that paper plus summarizing couple of old papers I "mostly" read already.
3) Also work on methods section when i'm tired of thinking about my thesis.

Week of July 11, 2010

Hey! I hope it's a lucky week!
Anyway, I got a deadline coming up on August 8 for an NIH proposal. It's not a hard deadline, and realistically, it's probably better to push it back til December to avoid rushing something important, but I would still like to push myself - that's the point of this whole thing. After all, I think my demise came from being deadline-driven. I LOVE my Mom's industrious attitude. She always does things as early as possible, regardless of whether she has to. (OK My Dad's DNA dictated that I hated it, but now I wish I had my Mom's on that part anyway).
So naturally, goal for this week is to draft my proposal for my adviser to look at. And he also asked me to keep up with experiment methods and design. I think that should be a plateful this week!
For today, I'm going to finish reading AT LEAST one paper, then start a very zoomed-out draft of the proposal. I am running a fever, but it's not so bad, but I do need to go foraging for food at some point soon. Mmmmmm....foooooooood.... Oh and NO entertainment outside of feeding time!!!

July - Semptember 2010 Goals.

My first set of major goals. Given that these are my MAJOR weaknesses and are very difficult to conquer, I'd be realistic and give myself 3 months. In fact, if I could just achieve the first, I'd be very happy. Listed in priority, but I have learned that most of the time, it's better to keep things in parallel rather than in serial, as I so often do. And of course, they aren't just jobs, I most likely need to maintain my efforts forever in order to combat my DNA. However, I envision maintenance would be somewhat easier than doing something you've never achieved before. By "achieving the goal" I mean being able to do this consistently for at least an unprecedented long period of time. Anyway, here it goes:

1) to become focused and efficient, thus productive (yes everyone has ADHD, but I seriously need to get this under control). As my awesome adviser said, victory belongs to the efficient. And also I think he's starting to lose patience with me.

2) to become exploratory again. Meaning, lose my laziness, procrastination, and a deep, subtle resistance for something new, and thus actually pursue my hobbies. I do have conflicting emotions for new things. While it's true that I always like to try new things, particularly new food and new countries, old things lure me with an overpowering sense of comfort. I must learn to embrace both equally. Anyway, I'd actually wait for my Fall class to start in mid August, it should help me get a kick start.

3) stop being shy and crabby and start networking. I have to get this "I'm socially inept" attitude out of my head and start flowing again. After all, my mother is a social butterfly. I KNOW I can do this! Help me, Ma!

Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time

I was a painfully shy child, but somehow managed to grow into a competent, intelligent, confident, exploratory, and charismatic teen. Unfortunately, a sudden shift of environment and a lack of good guidance killed my burgeoning awesomeness. I realized this at some point late in college and it has become more and more evident now in graduate school. I have made a few conscious efforts to change this, but haven't succeeded in any major way. However, I still haven't accepted that it was a kill -9. I want that person back because I know I still am. I call it Operation Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time. Yes, haha, it's from Southpark. But in all seriousness, I do realize, if I don't get this under control, I will NEVER become the top notch scientist I so strive to be and that happy person that I once was. I want this blog to help monitor my steps towards a better self and perhaps share some experiences with people with the same struggles. So no, it's not about Hitler, skinheads, it's about my struggle to conquer my weaknesses and achieve my goals in life.
Once a month, I will write a set of major goals, and write a self-evaluation at the end of the month. I'm going to post each night, what I want to achieve for the next day, and whether I'm successful at the end of the day. So help me, World. A struggle becomes a better experience when help and care is on the way. As Bobby Fischer said on his deathbed, nothing is more healing than the human touch.